CETACEAN
There have been many times I have been utterly alone. I create alone. All the music comes out of solitude. The story itself is the product of hours of silent lonely contemplation. I am not afraid of being alone. When I got back to the mixing board I was with the troupe, but I was on my own. My friends were reaching out to me, asking me what I was doing. I had nothing to say. They demanded that I explain myself. I had no explanation. Everyone had seen us dance, and it was tremendous. We danced like we had been rehearsing for months. Christine and I had woven a spell that was more powerful than anything I had been a part of before. How could it be explained. Chemistry, biology, sexuality, magic? It was all of these things and more. I couldn’t explain it to my brothers and sisters that night, but I had given up the fight. I wasn’t going to push for us to accept anybody. I wasn’t going to keep the pressure up on the Governor. I wasn’t going to hunt down Moby Dick. I had seen that movie too.
I had spent years making the house of cards. I had put all the jacks in their boxes. I had lined up all the tin soldiers. I had put the cherry on top of the cake. I had dragged the dream into existence over the course of a hundred thousand days, using the knowledge of a lifetime. I was happy to see it all end. I had gotten to the end of the rope. I felt like I had achieved the calm of the eye of a storm. I couldn’t explain it at the time. Everyone was getting exasperated by my silence. Didn’t I care? I felt like I was an alien trying to communicate with some fantastic new strange beautiful creatures. As long as I kept silent, they would not know how completely stupid I was. As soon as I spoke, they would realize I was lost, and helpless, and vulnerable. I decided anything I told them would be inadequate. I had broken all their trust. By bringing Christine to the club, and putting her onstage in front of our fans, I had endangered everyone. They would realize I was not through, as soon as I opened my mouth. I ended up agreeing with them wholesale. Yes I was out of line. Yes I wouldn’t try anymore stunts. They were all safe, I would put the lid back on the genie, if I could even find her. I agreed to everything, because I wanted to wait to play my cards.
Meanwhile, the Chain Gang loop was wearing everyone out. It was like listening to a mosquito in a dark room. Eventually you had to gat away from it. Most of the audience had already left the building along with Christine. We decided to call it a night. We knew everyone left in the club, only the die hards remained. We mingled and made apologies. The kids were all psyched about the mystery guest, and wanted to know all about her. What could I say? She hadn’t passed the audition. People thought we were crazy. Everyone thought Christine was fabulous. I knew she was Beautiful Dynamite. I didn’t even know her network number, it was just as well though, no communication would be private. I decided to worry about it later. As always, when we were done for the night, I needed some time to reflect and relax. I was the first to break camp and head for seclusion of backstage. Everyone was use to this. It was effortless for me to slip away. Nobody would stop me. I created alone, they were expecting me to disappear into my murky solitude.
Everyone had their own space in the club, this was my luxury, if I had one. I didn’t exactly hang upside down in a closet. I had a small room in the club, we all did. I went to the room confident my long day was over. I was not busting suds tonight, the dishes could wait until the morning. I had earned my share of animosity for one day, I couldn’t see dragging it out any longer. My mind would be racing for hours, from the adrenaline of the show. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything productive. I was doing my Mr. Paranoid impersonations. I would retrace the steps of the day until I found the fatal flaws. I would try to see through the veil of ignorance. The day was a blur of emotion and energy, I was searching through it for a thread of silk that would lead to tomorrow. How could I explain to my friends who Christine really was? How could I tell them I didn’t care if they trusted her or not. What would I do if they continued to stonewall the dancer of my dreams. I called this my paranoid creative method. You might call it insanity. I was running scenarios over in my mind. I was trying to find the answers in the darkest corners of my mind. The possibilities were endless. I was beginning to drop off into sleep, when it hit me.
When had Christine printed up my teacher’s pass? That was the key, or was it? The passes were both in my pocket when the security at the Chapel Gardens scanned us. This meant they weren’t surprised to find it on me. I had come up on their scanners as being two people, and they hadn’t even batted an eye. They had to know about both of the passes before they scanned us. This meant Python was in on the ground floor. When did the snake get into the room? This was a crucial detail. It might even explain why Josie had disappeared. If the Governor was going to make us disappear, he would want to do it in a series of unfortunate events, not as a massacre. He was weary of creating martyrs. He knew the publicity could cause a backlash, not even he could control, and all within weeks of the election. He would prefer to weaken us and then sew dissent. He would hope we would fight among ourselves and lose our direction. Maybe he had tried to lure Josie away and she refused. He would have had to silence her. He couldn’t let her come back to us. My imagination was scrambling. Who could I talk to? Hell, Christine might be part of his plan. I didn’t want to think about it. The whole thing started to spiral out of control.
That night I dreamed that I was Ishmael. I was on the Pequod in her last moments as a ship. I saw Captain Ahab for the last time. He was drowned, and with the movements of his flailing dead arm, he beckoned for all his crew to join him. The Great White God was exacting revenge, no creature could resist. The most wretched part of the dream was wanting Moby Dick to be free of his tormentors, while knowing it would kill all my friends. I woke up dripping with sweat.
